Fancy moustache

Tom: Dad, you shaved a moustache. What's that bit under your lip called? A stub?
Dad: It's a soul patch Tom.

Putting up the Christmas tree

Tom: Dad, can I hang candy walking sticks on the tree?
Dad: They're candy canes son.

Chilli time

12:45 pm...as I'm stirring the chilli for lunch

Eva: Dad, can I have some breakfast?

Pluckers

Tom: When you eat salad you should use salad pliers.
Dad: Salad pliers?
Tom: I mean salad pluckers.
Dad: I think what you REALLY mean is salad tongs.

Strip club

Tom: Have you ever been to a strip club?
Dad: Just once.
Tom: Did you put money in the lady's pants?
Dad: No Tom.

Bald patches

Dad: Eva, what are you staring at?
Eva: Dad, you have a lot of bald patches.
Dad: Thanks Eva. I'm almost 40, so I don't think I'm doing too bad.

Cat gun

Eva: Dad, if you own a cat, you can use it as a gun.
Dad: What?
Eva: Yeah you hold its back legs like this and front legs like this you can pretend it's a gun. *makes machine gun noise*
Dad: Eva, no.

The Carpenters

Tom: Is a carpenter someone who lays carpets?

Old man's cock

Dad: Pubs in Britain have the dullest names. The Shire Oak?
Tom: Yeah, there's a pub called The Old Man's Cock.
Dad: I doubt it Tom.

Maltimore

Eva: Dad, do you know that song from Hairspray? Is it "Good morning Maltimore"?
Dad: It's "Baltimore" Eva

Paloma

Tom: Now that David Cameron is leaving who's going to be Prime Minister
Eva: Mom could be Prime Minister
Tom: Mom can't be Prime Minister, she doesn't have the right degree.
Mom: You don't need a degree to be Prime Minister
Tom: Well, you at least need a paloma then

Why they really like porridge.

Eva's labelled the brown sugar.

Beard cake

Eva: Look at my muscles Dad. I have a six pack
Dad: Oh yeah? Well I have a beer cake.
Eva: Haha. You have a beard cake.

Movie time

Eva: Dad, the movie just went off.
Dad: You touched the remote buttons again didn't you?
Eva: Yes.

Ancestor

Tom: Dad, what is incest?
Dad: Um. It's where blood relatives have an inappropriate romantic relationship.
Tom: Oh. I thought it meant ancestors.
Dad: You don't want to get those terms mixed up.

Yorkie

On a walk

Eva: Look Dad it's a Yorkshire terrier.
Dad: Where do you think the Yorkshire terrier originally comes from?
Eva: France.
Dad: The hint is in the name Eva.

Jolene...please don't be a man.

*Watching a music video, "Jolene" covered by Miley Cyrus.

Dad: I knew several girls growing up in Canada named Jolene.
Tom: And men too!
Dad: No. Men are not named Jolene.

Gary Barlow is arousing

*Watching a Gary Barlow concert recording

Dad: I bet there were a lot of aroused women in the audience that night.
Eva: Yeah, like you Dad.
Dad: Huh?

Sour cream and vegetables.

Eva: My lunch is ready. I have my sandwich treat and fruit.
Dad: Fruit?
Eva: Yeah, the sour cream and onion crisps.
Dad: Crisps aren't vegetables.
Eva: Sure they are.

Dentism

Tom: When I'm older I could study dentalism.
Dad: It's dentistry son.