If it ain't broke

Channel 4 is covering the Paralympics

Eva: Wow, the Olympics are still on... for broken people.
Mom: Eva, it's the Paralympics.  It's for disabled people...not broken people.
Eva: Oh.

Use protection

The grown-ups are joking about condoms.

Tom: I know what a condom is.
Dad: Really?  What is it then.
Tom: It means, "the testicles of a man".
Dad: Not quite.  When you're a bit older, I'll explain it to you.

Give the gift of hobo booze

A hard off gentlemen is walking down the street carrying an almost empty bottle of strong alcoholic cider.

Dad: Kids, that's a shame that the man is so dependent on alcohol that's got a bottle of cider at 8 am.
Tom: Maybe it's not for him.  It could be a gift/
Dad: You think he's going to give a 3/4 drunk bottle of cheap booze to someone else as a present?
Tom: Yes.
Dad: Don't ever get me a present like that!

Cat food

Making lunch.  We've run out of ham slices, so I've taken the canned ham out of the pantry.

Dad: Kids, there are no ham slices left. We'll have this instead?
Eva: Ewwww, it looks like cat food!
Dad: Well it's not.  Cat food is expensive, I'd never feed that to you.
Eva: It's go the same jelly on it as cat food.

Talking to God

Dad: Eva, we're going to the park. You can't wear that necklace. It's not safe.
Eva: I'm wearing it because I was talking to God upstairs.

Dad: Oh really?

Eva: Yeah. I was saying (whispers), "God, I wish you a Merry Christmas".

Meat nuggets

We're eating a meat feast pizza.

Eva: Can I have the piece with nuggets on it?
Dad: What nuggets?
Eva: (points) Those things.
Dad: You mean meatballs?

Kingdonga!

We're watching the nature channel.

Dad: Wow, look how big that lizard is!
Tom: Is that a kingdonga dragon?
Dad: What?  You mean a komodo dragon?
Tom: Yeah, a komodo dragon.
Dad: No it's neither of those.  It's a monitor lizard.

Tell you friend inter-racial marriages are now legal

Eva: Dad, is it okay for a peach-coloured person like me to marry a brown person?
Dad: Yeah, it's okay. Why?
Eva: Cuz my friend said it was illegal.
Dad: Well it's not.

Monster Squad

Kids are playing Just Dance 2.  The Monster Mash is featured with a dancer dressed up like Frankenstein's monster.

Eva: Eww, there's rats falling off him.
Tom: Of course Eva, he's been dead in a coffin.  He's Dracula right dad?
Dad: No Tom, it's Frankenstein's monster.
Tom: But Frankenstein is Dracula's son isn't he?
Dad: No, he's not.
Tom: So who's Dracula's son?
Dad: How the heck should I know?
Eva: I think he's a zombie.
Dad: (sigh) He's Frankenstein's monster.  Not a zombie at all.

The eye...of the tiger or not

Eva: Why is there a song called Eye of the Tiger?
Dad: It's a song about rising up to a challenge.  Doing something difficult like staring straight into a tiger's eyes.
Eva: So did the singer stare at a tiger?
Dad: No Eva, the song is a metaphor.
Tom: I'd stare at a shark.  That's even more dangerous.  They should have called it Eye of the Shark.
Dad: (sigh) It's a metaphor kids. A metaphor.

Shaken, not stirred

Kids are watching a movie.  There's a lot of gun shots and explosions going on.

Mom: What are you kids watching.  It doesn't sound appropriate for kids.

Eva: It's fine mom don't worry.

Mom: What is it then?

Eva: It's just James Blond.

Mom: Bond, James Bond.

Spider cup

Eva: Can I have a drink of water please?
Mom: Yes, here you are.
Eva: (bursts into tears).
Mom: What's wrong now?
Eva: That's the cup we catch spiders with.
Mom: (laughs out loud).

Punch up

I hear the kids talking about punching.

Dad: No one better punch anyone.
Eva: Were not. I'm singing a song... (starts rapping) "Punch up the jam."
Dad: Eva, it's "Pump up the jam." And where the hell did you here that song? It's 20 years old.